I have been seeing a therapist for about 7 months now and I have to say that without therapy, I would be a mess! I used to be embarrassed that I needed a therapist, mostly because it's not easy for me to ask for help. I hate it! I ultimately decided to get over myself and see someone for Riley's sake. I know I'm a wonderful mother, but I want to be the best I can be. I don't think that would be possible if I didn't feel my best. I mean how can I raise her to be a certain kind of person, when I don't even know who I am. I have to say I have come a long way in the last 7 months. Growing up, I had massive insecurity issues and no matter what I did, I just could not overcome them. I had always depended on others for my happiness and that led me to the a deep depression. I wasn't raised like your typical teenager. My mother was over-protective and shielded us from everything she possible could. This bruised us miserably, but she was never around to see that. I did a great deal of sneaking around and glad I did because if I hadn't I would have no idea what the world was really like. I had to find out the hard way, but I am all for experiencing to learn.
Even so, I still wouldn't change a thing about my past. I love the person I am today and my beloved brother, Ernest has a lot to do with that. Ernest committed suicide on May 24 and since that day, I have not been the same. Our family was beyond shocked. No one saw it coming and it made me realize a lot of things.
Most importantly...
1. That life is way too short to live in the past - I am learning slowly, but letting go has always been a challenge of mine. The past has always haunted me and I don't want that anymore. I am doing what I need to do you close any open chapters in my past and conclude any unfinished business I have.
2. That you cannot stress the little things- There are way more important things in life. Worrying whether your boyfriend is cheating, whether people like you, whether someone is talking shit about you, what anyone thinks of you (which seemed to have consumed my life before) is not important. What matters is what I think of myself and the rest just doesn't matter.
3. Ernest was secretly my best friend - my brother never liked to show his vulnerable side. If he was worried about something, no one would ever know. I guess that should've alarmed us. He was always smiling, happy or not.
Dangerously happy is what I call it now. He wanted everyone to think he was "hard", hood, gangster. I loved him more than he ever knew. Growing up, I desperately sought his approval...with everything. He was the only person I could relate to in my family. He knew more about me, growing up, than anyone else in my family. We had our moments, but I know he loved me, all of us. The only boy of my mother's 6 children. He was our commander, even when he moved some 8 hours away, to Lynchburg, VA. He was still the chief of this family. He protected us in a way that never made sense to anyone but him. He would have it otherwise, but still, we were very aware of the magnitude of his love.
I will always love you Ernest "Paa-Kwasi" Owusu-Ansah.
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June 20, 1982 - May 24, 2011
Gone but never forgotten
May your soul rest in perfect peace.
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